'AITA for telling my wife her body doesn't look the same as it did pre-pregnancy?' (2024)

My wife had our first baby (a little girl) about three months ago. Something I noticed after she had the baby is that she goes to the bathroom to change, and when she doesn't, she asks me not to look. This is not usual for her. Other than that, I thought she was handling everything alright for the most part.

This past weekend, I decided to surprise my wife with a weekend trip to our favorite little beach town and asked my parents to watch the baby. My wife was excited at first, but when we got to the hotel, she started crying and asked if I "expected intimacy" (we haven't done it since the baby was born).

I was totally taken aback, and told her I just want to spend time with her and don't want to do anything she isn't comfortable with. I asked if there was a reason she seemed so nervous about intimacy. My wife told me she doesn't look the same as she did before and feels ashamed. I told her she's beautiful and has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

My wife then asked if I thought she "looked the same as she did before." As I mentioned before, my wife worked out religiously before having our daughter (she had a six pack and was just super ripped in general). I do think the difference in how she looks post baby is a bit more drastic than it is for most women given her obsession with running and fitness.

My wife is still beautiful obviously, and I kept repeating that to her. She kept pressing me, asking if she looked the same as before, and I finally responded that her body has changed but that's normal and healthy. My wife started sobbing, and I immediately regretted saying anything.

She kept asking me follow up questions like "how much different do I look" and "do I look fat" and I basically asked her to stop asking me these questions because (1) she's not going to believe me when I say she looks great and (2) I don't want to say anything else that might hurt her. My wife really didn't like this answer, and seemed sad for the rest of the night.

On the trip, she wanted to hike and just be really active. I took her to our favorite Italian place, but she didn't really want to eat anything other than salad and lean protein the entire weekend.

I kept trying to get her to have some ice cream (it's her favorite desert) but she didn't want it and kept getting irritated whenever I suggested it. She probably asked me at least thirty times in two days if she "looked fat" or "looked okay", and I refused to say anything other than "you're perfect" or "you're beautiful."

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We're home now and she seems to be really focused on what she's eating (more than she has been in a while). I'm worried I really hurt her with my comment. AITA?

The internet kept it honest in the comments.

Only-Wear7844 wrote:

You have to get your wife into therapy FAST before she projects those insecurities onto her daughter. As a daughter to an almond mom all I do is critique myself negatively and wish my mom stopped commenting about how fat she always is when she’s always been smaller than me.

Shinerbiscuits responded:

Yes, seconding this. You’ve got to talk to your wife about how important it is to see a therapist for not just her wellbeing, but also that of your daughter. I grew up with a tiny mother and aunts who have always talked badly about their bodies in front of me. They are all tiny tiny and I’ve been bigger than them since I was in like 8th grade.

If someone you perceive as fit/thin thinks they’re fat, then what are you supposed to think of yourself if you’re bigger? I fell into pretty disordered eating throughout high school and college. Got better in my 20s, but now in my 30s I’ve still got a ton of body image issues. How your wife feels and speaks about herself is the blueprint that your daughter will use.

Also, I sympathize with your wife. I’m 5 months postpartum and it’s really hard seeing how different your body looks on top of the sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, hormonal changes, healing. It’s a lot.

ChakraMama318 wrote:

Here’s the thing about ED- you don’t heal from them, you just manage them. They are also a coping mechanism that has to do with the person’s sense of control. So when your baby essentially hijacked her body and she had little control over the results, including weight gain and all the changes: it freaked her out.

And then there is a hormonal ride on top of it.

It is time for her to bring this to counseling and possibly meet with someone who specializes in treating ED. NTA.

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Prestigious_Bat33 wrote:

This is 100% correct. I am a recovered an0rexic and I compare to a dragon sleeping on its treasure, lol. The dragon never leaves but you can put it into a deep sleep. Having a baby + hormones definitely woke the dragon up. She needs help.

shyfidelity wrote:

This is so sad. You didn't do anything wrong but she's obviously hurting. She's gonna slip back into ED-adjacent behavior.

queenrosa wrote:

NTA but your wife needs professional help with her eating disorder and body dysmorphia.Get her to see a therapist. You did the best you could. There was nothing you could have said that would have been that helpful. If you said she looked the same, she wouldn't believe you.

DELILAHBELLE2605 wrote:

Oh man. NTA. Your wife is obviously struggling and should talk to someone. You didn’t go anything wrong. Of course she does not look the same. None of us do. Even my feet went up a size with my first baby and never went back (she’s 19 now). She’s not going to look the same at 40. Or 50. 60. We change. That’s nature.

You need to tell her that you love her body even more now that it created your amazing child. She built a human! She should be proud. It’s pretty common to feel like she’s feeling at 3 months post partum. She’s on the slightly extreme end of the spectrum. She’ll feel like herself again. In the meantime her having a chat with her doctor about PPD would be a good idea.

lucille12121 wrote:

Your wife is holding herself to an impossible standard and is drowning in needless self-loathing. I feel awful for her. Maybe for womenkind, in general.

You carry and birth a baby, and the whole world tells you that you've failing unless you look like you didn’t. It’s all complete bullsh*t. I’m sorry to the whole family, you, your wife, and baby. You didn’t do anything wrong, OP. I suspect you inadvertently confirmed a deep fear she already had well before she asked you about her looks.

She’s probably been harboring this fear since before you met her: that is not attractive enough. That she is not thin enough. Fit enough. That she is not enough, generally. This is the normal state of being for lots of women. You can tell her she’s beautiful, but it won’t be what she sees in the mirror. And self-perception is directly connected to desire for intimacy for many women.

Don’t try to solve this alone. If you can, speak to a therapist about how you can support your wife and manage any disordered eating that might be happening. Your wife should speak to a therapist too, ideally one that is familiar with eating disorders. She is dealign with a lot right now.

NTA. You're a good husband, OP.

Editing to add — your wife is not struggling with low self-esteem or post-birth hormones. This is a medical disorder and should be considered with that level of seriousness.